Gaining unfair advantage from many early failures

I was thinking, what if I didn’t have so many early failures, where would I be? How would I have handled the many failures that came after? At a minimum, I would’ve been pretty depressed if instead, early success followed a string of failures. And if I did have a lot of early success, how would I have tamed that raging ego that typically accompanies early success? Early failures can profoundly shape mindsets, help develop grit and perseverance, and help develop humility.

Here’s a roughly chronological list of my many early failures:

1. PhD admissions: While still an undergrad student, I applied to PhD programs in the US, I thought I had a great packet and a good mix of schools. The first notification was a rejection from my safety school! Completely heart-breaking. 
   What happened next? Second notification was also a rejection, this time my top school UIUC. I had completely lost hope by then. But soon after, 3 back to back admissions with full funding. By then the expectations were so low that the contrast felt insanely good.
   What I learned: When the level of competition is unknown, it’s best to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

2. Live singing: The first time I ever sang on a big stage with 1000+ audience members, I forgot the lyrics, completely froze, was booed off stage, and heckled over it for the next several weeks.
   What happened next? Not much. It took me months to gain courage to sing publicly, but this time I was much better prepared.
   What I learned: A bit of fear and anxiety is a good thing, it helps to be well prepared, respecting the opportunity rather than taking it for granted.

3. Student Loan: My first application for a loan to pay for flight tickets and such was denied. They needed ‘collateral’ property to give me a loan, and I didn’t have it.
   What happened next? I reached out to a relative who’d been a banker for many years, who strongly vouched for me at a bank. I got a small loan to pay for tickets and such, and paid it back a couple months later from my grad school stipend.
   What I learned: Not being born with a silver spoon, I have a lifetime of hustling to do in order to survive. I am largely on my own.

4. First Flight: My first ever flight to join grad school, also my first ever trip out of country, had a stopover in Amman, the capital of Jordan. There, I lost my passport because I wasn’t paying enough attention! First day ever out of the country, losing passport — imagine that! 
   What happened next? I had to bribe an airport staff to allow me to make a phonecall home. From that staff I learned that I could bribe some more folks to recover my passport, which I did.
   What I learned: Gotta pay attention to your most important belongs. Got to learn to hustle. The days of introversion were numbered.

5. First month in school: I ran out of cash paying rent, utilities, and various deposits. I had to borrow from a housemate. I had thought I would get my stipend quickly, but alas it took weeks to get all the paper and bank account set up.
   What happened next: I borrowed some cash from a kind housemate.
   What I learned: Our old friend “hope for the best but plan for the worst” visits again! Plus, kindness get returned with kindness.

6. Getting my driving license: I failed my Pennsylvania driving license test 5 times in succession. I almost gave up!
   What happened next: I got my license on my next try. Sixth time lucky!
   What I learned: Driving is a serious matter. Small mistakes can be fatal. Perseverance pays off.

7. First Internship: My first summer, I got ZERO internship offers. Nothing. Second summer, I got a Google internship offer but declined it because I had already committed to IBM Research — I wanted to be ethical — I’m sure I will get it again, right? Right? Third summer, I passed the interviews but couldn’t find a team match! So, no.
   What happened next: The 4th summer, I got an amazing internship opportunity with Google. I learned a lot that summer.
   What I learned: Being ethical feels warm and fuzzy. At the same times, opportunities come and go. Some choices in life are going to feel very difficult.

8. Getting Publications: My first conference paper submission was brutally rejected by reviewers. My first journal paper submission was brutally rejected. In grad schools, peer-reviewed publications are everything.
   What happened next: I kept reviving and resbumitting the journal paper 4–6 rounds over 2 years. That paper became my most cited paper. I went on to publish 25 papers, which collectively received close to 9,000 citations.
   What I learned: The PhD process is 80% about about patience and perseverance, and 20% about brilliant ideas. I thought I came for the latter, but was actually training for the former!

9. First Full-time Job: My first full-time job interview for a prestigious Research Scientist position got cancelled just 3 days before being flown in for in-person interviews. This was during the 2009 subprime mortgage crash which caused widespread hiring freezes.
   What happened next: A couple months later, I got a job at Google. It was one of only a couple openings the Pittsburgh office had at that time.
   What I learned: Murphy’s Law — anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Keep calm and carry on.

10. First Performance Review: In my first ever full-time job which was at Google, in my first full review cycle, I got a poor performance rating. How poor? Bottom 2% kind of poor.
    What happened next: I survived that round, and went on to get every possible rating at Google — Needs Improvement, Meets Expectations, Exceeds Expectations, Strongly Exceeds Expectations, and Superb.
    What I learned: A job at Google in 2010 was coveted — everyone wanted one. I had it and was squandering it. My attention was way too divided between work and non-work. I needed to respect the opportunity and focus.

11. A Victim of Scam: Within the first few months of moving to the Bay Area, and without a ton of savings, a set of IRS scammers robbed us of $9500.
     What happened next: Nothing. The cops told us they did not have the technology to track the scammers.
    What I learned: Don’t trust everything you see and hear. A lot of planning goes on behind the scenes, sometimes to directly scam you, sometimes to play politics and try to make you irrelevant.

I can keep going. There’s nobody to blame for these except myself. If nothing else, it taught me humility. Most of us are not awesome — we are fine, and we can do better. The media celebrates early success so much — the young genius, the brilliant idea, the breakthrough product, etc. They should start telling stories of early failure and how that shaped mindsets.

And let’s be clear about some things:

• While I am grateful for the many early failures, I don’t think we should wish for it or strategically plan for it to happen. It’s merely the idea that when these failures inevitably happen, there’s a ton of value to embracing those failures.

• We’re unlikely to be rational agents right after failures. It’s when the dust settles and we are back at our feet that we have a choice of internalizing the failure in a few different ways — some help build resilience, others increase your vulnerability.

• This is not the same concept as “Failures are the Pillars of Success”. Success may not come — ever. But it’s rather the idea that early failures prepared me to handle whatever sh** life threw at me thereafter.

Nowadays when I fail, I consciously look for opportunities to build resilience. I am sure I will fail again, so this failure prepares me for the next one. Eventually there might be some success, but still mostly failure. Things are pretty random, any pattern we notice is probably an illusion, so the only safe life strategy might be to build resistance and keep going.

There might be some hindsight bias to all this. For those who never saw success, how long are they supposed to stay patient and motivated and continue to just learn from failures? I do think it still helps to build resilience. Anecdotally, those who get a ton of early success and then start failing are perhaps some of the most vulnerable folks in society. Many examples of movie, music, and sports stars come to mind. Early failure helps the rest of us come to terms with long streaks of failure. If after that, there’s a breakthrough, that’s cherry on top.